My musing is late this month...no, I didn't forget.
I've had a lot to think about, but no words to say it.
It's as if the thoughts and feelings were raised half-mast and
the flag got stuck. Maybe half-mast for respect, half-mast
for a passing of something lost that may never come again.
Yes, I was thinking of intimacy, how we all crave it,
and yet few people really have it, in our partners, lovers,or
mates.
Last week a good friend wrote. He is in a relationship,
feels many things keep him there, but that intangible
thing we call closeness, a sharing of his inner spirit with
another is not there for him. He wonders if it ever will be.
Another friend has given up looking, given up sex,
because he has decided he can no longer do that without
the closeness. He's given up the search.
Yet another friend had a shot at it. A real shot, but he backed
off. I don't know why. My hunch is that it scared him. Better
to stay with the tried and true isolation he's found than take
the chance and not have it pan out.
Three of my closest female friends cannot tell their husbands
how they feel. They get the response, 'I don't want to know. I
don't want to hear it', so they live in a vacuum called
marriage, longing for more.
And yes....there's me. I've had intimacy. I know the feeling
of connecting with a man I love at the deepest level. No more.
Why it left my life, I don't know. I just know that it left me
years ago and I've not found it again.
I sit at this computer, or lie across my bed, write, and listen to
music occasionally--the kind of music I once used to light candles
to and listen to with men I loved. Piano music, music from the seventies..
the Eagles, ELO, Stephen Stills, Cat Stevens, Rod Stewart, the blues,
show tunes, classical,..more.
I write my poems--and hope. Hope that part of my life has not
fled forever. For now, I settle for finding it in my poetry and
my dreams.
For those of you who have this, treasure it. For those of you who don't,
I hope you find it. Somehow. Somewhere.Someday. Raise the
flag high if you do! I'll be watching. Who knows? Maybe I'll find
it again, too.